I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
