I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Randomize
