just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
