i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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