On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
