Dual....:-)
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
