I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
