I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
