I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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