I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You are the jesus of drinking
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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