no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
