Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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