Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
