I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
