so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
