I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize
