I cannot find my penis.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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