this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
