So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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