He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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