omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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