toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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