I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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