i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
