I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
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possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?