You're my little dorito
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.