my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
