just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
