the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
