The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
