would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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