Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
