I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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