Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
