I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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