Betty ford says i'm here all night
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
