god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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