Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
