I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
