Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
