fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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