There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
