I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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