I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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