i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
