I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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