I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
