you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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