I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
