I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
