you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
