I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
