I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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