between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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