I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
