need another drink. this is the easiest way
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
