found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
