Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
