I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
