I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
